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Thursday, June 7, 2018

rainbow home

It’s in the middle of the red light district. The room is big and the walls are bright blue. 

Here on this floor, I’ve laid for hours. 
Within a mile of this spot, in the big blue room, there are many strangers having sex with each other.
But here, in this room, there's a different kind of intimacy that happens. The holy kind, between human hearts and God's. This bright blue room is His space and He always uses spaces for one purpose; intimacy. 

Here on this floor where I lay, I open my heart and God looks at me and I look back at Him. 

I’ve become nearly obsessed with rainbows. Revelation 4:3 tells me that there’s a rainbow surrounding God’s throne, and it has emerald light filling it and coming out of it. Doesn't that sound like a wild and beautiful scene? The place where He sits in the center of the universe, it’s surrounded by an emerald rainbow. And I’ve made it my life’s goal to live in that rainbow, close to Him, looking at Him inside of my heart. 

All of our hearts have eyes. 
Sometimes I use mine to look at conversations with people which have never happened, or replay scenes of my life that have affected me, or worry about how I may be not good enough, or approximately 5,789,928 other scenes I look upon with my heart. But there's just one scene that my heart's eyes were made to see; my Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. The eyes inside our hearts have the ability to look at Him. Wow. 

My journal pages these days are filled with rainbows. And sometimes I color rainbows all over my arms, too. 

When I first started coming into this bright blue room in the red light district, it was 2015 and I was feeling like a disapointment-to-God-and-mankind failure. I was trying really hard to be enough, do enough, impress everybody enough. That was exhausting. And left me in the feel-like-a-failure place. The boss of the red light ministry was becoming my close friend, and she one day suggested I lay on the floor for 45 minutes and ask God what He feels for me. She told me not to talk after I asked Him that question, not to pray through a prayer list, not to intercede for somebody, but to just lay down and be quiet and let my heart meet with God. That sounded lazy and boring but I liked this girl so I tried it. 

For 45 minutes, my striving hurting heart was surprised. God showed my heart His love and He has so much of it. For me! Despite my not being nearly as good as I wished I was, He told me He liked me and He put scenes in my imagination of me and Him and He let my heart feel the way He enjoys me. The eyes of my heart looked at Him.

That 45 minutes changed my life, changed my relationship with my Maker, and I'm making the rest of my life like that 45 minutes. 

 I want to live in the rainbow surrounding this beautiful, mysterious, humble, beyond-comprehension Being. And I want to help everyone in the bright blue room, and all over the globe, do the same. 

Yesterday morning, I told one of my African sister/roommates that I'd prefer she stop eating my peanut butter. 

"Looking at God" can sound kinda weird, kinda complicated, kinda beyond what you think you can do. But it's not. Yesterday I was reading Revelation 4 - reading the Bible is a great place to look at God - and then I thought, "I want to see this throne room scene that's described here so I'm gonna lay in the floor and imagine it." So that's what I did. And know what I saw? I saw a big and super cool rainbow surrounded a big and super cool Being who is three different beings so close They're One. I don't understand Him nor can I see all there is to see, but it's so fun to see more and every time I tell my heart to look at Him, I see a little more of what He's like and my amazement keeps growing. And then, yesterday, I pictured that super cool Being sharing His peanut butter. 

When I look into God, I see Him lifting up orphans and hugging suicidal people and sharing His peanut butter and looking back at me and being good good good good good forever good. 

I apologized to my African sister and told her all my peanut butter is her's. She forgave me and God squeezed my shoulder and grinned. 

This rainbow is my home. 

 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbowthat shone like an emerald encircled the throne.
-Revelation 4:3