Saturday, January 7, 2017

I'm broken, confused, and going to be okay

I was laying in the floor. 
I'd just started crying a little and the words I was whispering to God were like this, 

"What I'm giving you, who I am, is barely anything."

He gently corrected me.
The Words I felt God whisper back to my heart were like this,

"It's so much. 
What you're offering is so much. 
You are so much."

He took my "barely anything" and called it "so much."

I've been looking around at my life and wondering, again, what it means. Anything? Little lies have been creeping into my thought patterns. 
"It doesn't matter. What I'm doing means nothing."
"I'm not enough. Not near good enough."
"Everyone else is better at life than I am."

Maybe a mix of relocating my life to a new continent, being homesick, and being hated by Hell; I've been having trouble remembering who I am.
I can't go eat Mexican with Maggie, go on runs with Meagan, drive to Grandma's anytime I want, have Monday night Bible studies, kiss my new nephew, workout with Candi and David, or go to the church I grew up in. The relationships, activities, reputation that I'd been working on for 27 years aren't here in front of me in Hong Kong. Now I'm trying to figure out how to build new relationships, activities, and reputation. 
Who am I? 
God is the best to go to for an answer to this question. He doesn't define me by anything I "do," and when He designed my species, He named us "human beings." He was thinking about our "being," while what we'd be "doing" wasn't anything He was concerned with. 
So, without the relationships, activities, and reputation, 
who am I?

My 27-year stretch in America was fabulous. And I still love Maggie and Meagan and Grandma and my nephew and Candi and David and my home church. But I'm not defined by people or stuff. 
Who I am is God's daughter (Galations 3:26). 
Who I am is God's Beloved (Song of Solomon 6:3). 
Who I am is God's thoughtfully (and wonderfully) designed human being (Psalm 139:14).
 He looks at my weak, confused, barely-anything life in Hong Kong and He calls it "so much."

There's messy brokenness woven throughout my days and it can make me feel ashamed. 
"Surely I should be stronger by now. Surely I should be more put together by now." 
Who says? 
Not Him. 
He loves weakness. And He likes the broken ones because He's able to hold us. So it seems like He's not waiting for me to get it together and start impressing everyone with my heroism, or to stop sobbing because I miss my mom and dad. It seems like He likes how honest I'm being with Him, leaning against Him, and offering Him my life. It's really not much, through my lens, but His lens says differently. Here He is tonight, holding my tired heart, my confused thoughts, my wanting-to-be-better-than-I-am, and He's calling all of it valuable, significant, and "so much."

If you're broken and confused, or have it all together and feeling quite happy, the amount you mean to God is "so much." Really. Like, an amount our imaginations can't even get close to. Open up to Him and He'll meet you right where you're at. 

p.s. thanks Kara, for words I need to hear. I'm sharing a few of them so everyone can read and see a glimpse of your awesome.

"Mom told me you are sad and having a hard time still. I think what you're going through is normal and there's nothing wrong with you. I know it is so, so hard and I'm really sorry. 
You're going to be okay."

p.p.s. thanks Mickey, for shipping me those books, one of which is inspiring these words. I got them today and celebrated. I love you. 

p.p.p.s. thanks Roo, for laying next to me in the floor, and speaking His truthful Words over and over again. The way you love is impressive.  

p.p.p.p.s. thanks Maggie and Meagan and Grandma (both of you) and Candi and David and my sister's kids and Crossroads Bible Church and everybody else who loves me in America. You make it hard to be away and I love you back.